What Is This “Wait-and-See” Stuff?

I HATE IT WHEN MY DOCTOR tells me he wants to wait-and-see what some little suspicious spot on a scan might be. Last week wasn’t the first time I’d heard that from him. When my heart slowed down, and before I began berating myself for my lack of faith (again), I reminded myself that faith—like everything else of real value—is a gift. As the man with the epileptic son mentioned in Mark 9: 23-24 said, I just need a little help with my unbelief.

I HAVE TO DO MY PART. I have to ask for more faith. I have to study. I have to work to pry open my mind and heart enough to let faith in. Jesus called this being “meek” in the Sermon on the Mount. If I can learn to be meek, He said, I’ll be able to balance my life—and keep my eye on the proper target. That’s not always easy when fear is unleashed within the narrow confines of an examining room.

I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW THE PLAN . . . but, now I’m less convinced than I once was that I play much of a part in shaping it. And most of the time I don’t get to know the plan. Uncertainty is just part of the cancer game. And, except for the times my doctor rubs his chin in thoughtful perplexity, I don’t care any more. I’m along for the ride.

SO, I SMILED at the doctor, poor thing. Wait-and-see is all he has to offer, and I can worry about it in the weeks to come, or I can pray that my desire to be in charge will lessen. That I will be helped with my unbelief. That my belief muscles will grow stronger. That I will be granted the gift of faith.

DECISIONS. Decisions.

You’re blessed. Be a blessing.

Finding Freedom

WHENEVER A PROJECT—or a solution—that leads in the direction of service for others appears in a way I didn’t expect, never would have imagined, can’t do, and am not too thrilled about trying, I’ve learned it’s God asking me to stretch my self-imposed boundaries.

FREEING MYSELF OF OLD PATTERNS, of old ways of looking at things, of inaccurate beliefs about myself, rids me of the shackles I frequently manage to forge for my own ankle. At times like these I must look at what things can be, not what they are.

I HAVE NO CHOICE unless I want to make myself miserable. No reasons, no matter how logical they may seem to me, convince God. And no isn’t an answer He views with favor. I know. I’ve tried it often enough.

I’M ALWAYS REMINDED OF MOSES whenever one of these challenges comes along. Poor man. He stopped out of curiosity to view a burning bush, and as soon as he heard the Voice he began telling God why He’d made a poor choice. Right.

I WANT TO SAY: Moses, honey, stop procrastinating. The LORD’S WILL will be done—the easy way or the hard way—but, it will be done. So, forget how unsuitable you are. Set aside all your excuses. Go put on your best sandals. The time has come for you to do what the LORD wants done.

AND I’M REALLY TALKING to myself.

You’re blessed. Be a blessing.

Cancer Has a Lesson Plan Too

THROUGH THIS CANCER PHASE of my life, I have discovered what I wish I'd been smart enough to learn when I was twenty.

FOR THE FIRST YEAR of my illness, I grieved for all the things cancer had deprived me of: the food and drink I’d enjoyed, the energy I’d used to carve a spot in my profession, the hectic schedule I’d filled every moment with, the leisure activities I was no longer strong enough to enjoy.

I LEFT THE SCHEDULES and patterns of a life filled with alternatives I thought I controlled and entered, instead, a world where my only choices were to do what I could—or give up. And if I fought the good fight, would what remained of my life be purposeful? Or would my illness leave me with only enough strength to mark time until it overtook me?

BUT I FOUND INSTEAD that cancer provided answers—flares of wisdom in an otherwise dark abyss of unanswered questions.

IF I RECOVER from this—or if I don’t—I will do what God directs me to do. A simple answer that I’m sure I will find challenging enough to last me a lifetime, no matter how long that may be.

WE ARE CALLED BY A GOD who doesn’t barge into our lives uninvited. If we don’t pay attention to Him, He falls into the background of our busy lives. We must bring ourselves to Him. To quote Joan Chittister, a modern Benedictine, “We are part of a holy universe, not it’s creators and not its rulers. . . In fact, everything that happens is God’s call to us either to accept what we should not change or to change what we should not accept. . .” [from her book, How Can I Find God?]

LIFE IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, not achievements. No matter how rocky, no matter how tenuous, relationships form the stepping stones to the meaning of life. When I die my heirs will keep the photographs and throw away all my plaques and certificates. They’ll remember me, not what I did.

THE ONLY WAY TO SHOW who and what I love is with time. I love you is cheap, true service and focused attention may eat into my day, but they are the only effective way to communicate my affection.

FOR MY OWN SAKE, I must forgive as many times as I have to. Forgiveness burns me up if I don’t give it freely, but I shouldn’t expect the person I’m forgiving to behave any differently. Forgiveness has no strings. On the other hand, trust can’t be given, it can only be earned.

EACH DAY MUST BE LIVED as though it were my last. It took me a while to settle down enough after my diagnosis to come to what this means. No cross words can be left dangling, no unfortunate moments can be left unresolved. I love you, must be my parting words—especially if the relationship is long distance.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING? God loves each of us as though we were His only child. I had to discover for myself what that meant, and now I do my best to show courtesy and respect to everyone I deal with. For they too are precious only children.

I DON’T THINK MY WAY of approaching cancer is the right way for someone else. It might be. It might not be. That’s not the point. For me, sharing is the point.

I BELIEVE WE READ so that we will not feel alone, and I believe I write to find the readers who need to know they are not alone. Ever.

You are blessed. Be a blessing.