Stress Buster #3: That’s Enough About You . . .

BEING LONELY IS NOT GOOD FOR ANYONE. Wanting to be around others, but not being able to, shortens life—and makes what there is of it seem miserable. At the least, it’s a sure route to depression and hopelessness.

A LOT OF PEOPLE think they’ll win friends and cheer themselves up at the same time by recounting their achievements. They reason past successes will make them feel better about themselves. Worse, they think this will show others what is admirable about them and why others should want them as friends. Don’t they know we identify friends by shared shortcomings? Who wants a perfect friend?

THESE POOR, ISOLATED PEOPLE are the very ones who buttonhole me when I least expect it and hammer me with a barrage usually delivered in breathless fashion, as if I might dare to interrupt their flow with a similar experience of my own. Even my very Southern, “how nice,’ doesn’t provide the hint that I am not interested in seeing how long the conversation can remain one-sided.

I WANT TO SAY TO THEM, “Get on your knees. Count your blessings. Quit taking credit for what God has lavished on you!” But, I can’t interrupt them, even when I try.

THEY CAN’T SEE THAT GRATITUDE is the path to friendship. Nothing is more attractive. Envy can’t co-exist with it. Neither can self-aggrandizement.

WHEN THEY’RE THE RECIPIENTS of all these gifts, how can they feel like anything except the beloved child they are? How can any of us?

THIS IS WHAT THE LONELY MISS. We are each God’s most beloved child, and he showers each of us with blessings too numerous to count. We’re brothers and sisters. Family. None of us is more blessed than another in the eyes of our Father. Recognizing that draws to us all the friends we could ever want.

You’re blessed. Be a blessing.

Stress Buster #2: Making Promises I Can Keep

LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, I can do a lot of things. And sometimes that gets me in trouble. Like a lot of people, I like to say yes—and that gets me into even more trouble. I frequently let too many yeses paint me into a stressful corner. If only I could remember that no isn’t a word I should avoid.

I HAVE A FRIEND who is very comfortable with no. When she is asked, she makes it very clear that she will do whatever I ask of her only if I understand that she’ll quit anytime she feels like it. No hard feelings.

WELL, OF COURSE, that is never the answer I’m looking for. I want her to embrace my project as if she’s been waiting years to be asked to do it. But she accepts no part of my unrealistic expectations. She’ll do it until she tires of it or something better comes along. “It’s really not my thing,” she says. No apology. There’ll be no surprises from this lady.

AND I ACCEPT HER HELP, knowing that it may not be for long and knowing the spirit in which it was given means I may be looking for someone else soon. It’s okay. I know to keep my eyes open for someone else who may have a real love for what I need done.

TO MY FRIEND, it’s a business arrangement. As another wise friend of mine would put it: “We’re just dating. We’re not getting married.”

MY FRIEND IS NOT BESIEGED by requests. She hasn’t eliminated personal time from her schedule. Her stress level remains out of the danger zone.

PERHAPS I’M THE ONE WHO SHOULD take a lesson from her . . .

You’re blessed. Be a blessing!

Stress Buster #1: Forgiveness—and Ice Cream

DURING THE LAST FEW MONTHS I’ve mentioned how harmful stress is to all of us—especially those with an illness. If our bodies are busy figuring out whether to fight or flee, they aren’t busy healing.

LUCKILY, CHRISTIANS HAVE the advantage when it comes to relieving stress. The Bible gives us the tools, and the first of these is forgiveness. For me, it continues to be the hardest to learn.

A GRUDGE IS A BITTER BURDEN. Keeping track of how I’ve been wronged—and by whom—can eat up my day. Whenever I catch myself, like Hamlet, acknowledging the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,” I remember Janet.

WE WERE BEST FRIENDS in the weeks just before John Kennedy was assassinated. She was a striking beauty, tall and willowy, and, unfortunately, I was not. Our friendship was based mostly on my willingness to listen to her talk about a popular and handsome young man named Stan.

ONE AFTERNOON while Janet was rehearsing with the drill team I hadn’t been talented enough to qualify for, Stan sat beside me on the bus. I was thrilled and happy to listen to him speak of Janet the several blocks to his stop. He was going to ask her to Homecoming. I wasn’t to say anything. He made me promise. I would’ve promised him anything.

THE NEXT AFTERNOON Janet got on the bus at the corner near the school where the drill team had gathered. She said good bye to her snobby teammates and got on the bus carrying an ice cream cone. I scooted over for her to join me. But instead of sitting down, she smashed the ice cream into my face. “This is for talking to Stan,” she said. I can still taste the strawberries.

THE CONE FELL onto the stack of books in my lap. The passengers settled into an uncomfortable silence. I suppose they were waiting to see what I would do. I did nothing but knock the cone to the floor and take a tissue to my face.

WHEN WE EXITED AT OUR STOP, Janet ran ahead. I called after her that Stan and I had been talking about HER, but she tossed her magnificent mane of chestnut hair and climbed the steps to her porch.

LATER SHE APOLOGIZED, but my family moved in early spring before I forgave her. The friendship was ruined, of course, but worse than that, the resentment I harbored bled into future relationships. Had I admitted my own culpability, I would’ve had more friends. But as it was, I couldn’t give up the expectation that another ice-cream-cone moment was in the offing.

FORGIVENESS WOULD HAVE HEALED ME, but I didn’t understand that. I thought being right was more important. Now I know that Janet and I were both wrong. I shouldn’t have spoken with the very attractive Stan, shouldn’t have been so envious, and she should have kept her ice cream cone holstered.

FOR ME, MOST OF THE TIME, the biggest benefit of forgiveness is forgiving myself.

You’re blessed. Be a blessing!