FREEDOM?

FIVE YEARS AGO, almost to the day, I was diagnosed with this pesky cancer I drag around with me. July fifteen of that same year after unsuccessful surgery, even my optimistic oncologist was only willing to venture that I might have three months left. Everyone else gave me a month at best.

FOR THAT REASON, each successive July I have had trouble keeping my spunky equilibrium. I should be rejoicing, but instead I find myself in a rare funk, flirting with despair. I find myself looking at my TO DO list as though it might be too long. I find myself thinking that by shortening it, I might be able to alleviate my discomfort and let myself be swept into the hereafter.

PAIN, POOR SCAN REPORTS, or feeling worn out lead me toward the temptation of giving up—like that’s the way to win this game. Right.

WHY AM I WRITING ABOUT THIS? Because I’d be less than honest if I were to tell you I didn’t have dark moments. And while I may lie to myself at times, you deserve better. After all, if I can’t share my bottom-of-the-barrel moments with you, what gives me the right to share my shining moments of faith with you?

THE DAYS SINCE I RETURNED from my once-in-a-lifetime trip to the Holy Land have not been filled with the best of times. Pain from the jiggling I took on the turbulent flight home has not abated, the MRI scan I had on the Monday I returned shows tumor enlargement, and the doctor failed to call in a refill of the prescription I need for pain before the holiday began.

SO, HOW DOES THIS LITANY OF COMPLAINTS relate to “Freedom?” Well, it’s about truth-telling. I’m not pretending everything is wonderful when it’s not. In John 8:32b, Christ said, “and the truth will make you free.” He was talking about understanding the truth of who He was. A very big truth. But the truth is powerful in even smaller doses. Like being honest.

IF I REMEMBER TO BE KIND, being honest will free me from the burden of taking care of those who are capable of standing on their own two feet—or, perhaps even better, falling to their own two knees. But, I have a responsibility. Those who care about me and who have to stand by watching the battle I’m waging deserve my kindness. This is not the time for a drama-queen performance. This is a time to remember that while I may be stumbling right now, while I may be reacting to a date on the calendar, tomorrow all this, even if it is true, may not be as important as it seems now.

TOMORROW I MAY BETTER SEE THE LIGHT of Christ that brightens my path. I may thank God for the challenges He sends my way—even if I don’t understand why. Or like them very much. I may better understand that what I’m enduring just now is nothing more than yet another false low in the cancer journey I was sent out on five years ago.

I DO KNOW ONE THING. If I have to walk this path, I’m glad you’re with me.

You’re blessed. Be a blessing!

LODGING A COMPLAINT

SINCE MID-DECEMBER I’ve been on a roller coaster ride. Strapped in with the disease I try to ignore, there have been times when I’ve had to remind myself that despair is one of the most deadly of temptations . . . and other times when I’ve boldly reminded God of His promises—although I’ll admit to looking for nearby thunderclouds before I began.

I’VE HAD TWO SURGERIES; two incorrect biopsies; one misread sonogram; an alarming PET scan that later proved to be only that—alarming (not a fair depiction); the last of my “injectible” veins blown; and two scary moments when I was afraid I’d be removed from the clinical trial that I’d had to convince the researchers to accept me for! And did I mention experiencing so much tumor pain I’m medicated more than my thought processes like?

THE ANXIETY AND MINOR MISERIES of three scans and multiple major blood draws during this same time frame would have made me sick if I hadn’t already been.

USING THE PSALMS AND JOB as my guideline, I understand that my relationship with God is to be based on honesty. So, I can honestly say I haven’t been happy with how things have been going lately.

I’M NOT UNGRATEFUL; I am fully aware that things could be much worse. But, in the interest of being forthright—and I’m not certain anyone but God would remain on friendly terms with me if I were to be up front with all my feelings all the time—I’m lodging a complaint. I believe our relationship can withstand it. He can’t be deceived. He knows how I feel even before I complain.

THAT’S THE POINT, isn’t it? Other religions have at their center gods who demand appeasement. That’s not our God. He seeks relationship with us. And that includes our blunt, in-His-face, this-is-how-I-see-it opinions.

HIS IS THE MOST INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP I can ever have. He wants to be a part of my life at all times—whether they are the nice or the not-so-nice ones. And that takes honesty on my part.

AFTER ALL, I can’t fool God about how I feel. I can only fool myself.

You’re blessed. Be a blessing!